The one where I start off talking about Fall to confuse you

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are starting their color changing and the air is becoming more crisp and fresh. Driving up the canyon this weekend showed the seasons early progression at those heights. The beautiful reds and golds mixed with the still vibrant greens was very beautiful. Fall has always been my favorite time of year, but I miss so much the whole back-to-school thing. I didn’t think I would yearn to be back in high school since those weren’t always happy times, and it has been 10 years since I graduated, but I miss the smell of the mornings on your first day back to school, wearing your best new outfit and the anxiety of wondering what classes will be where and if the teachers will like me. This job keeps me indoors for most of the day and soon I will miss the sunlight all together unless I go outside on a break, and it seems like the seasons pass outside my little window and I see a little something of them from behind my glass case, but I’m not a part of it. I’m separate from the seasons except what I experience when I walk from my car to my destination. There were no parks this summer. One camping trip and a few dips in the family pool, but even on those days off, I spent them indoors. It always seemed like there would be more time later and something pressing that needed to be done, and then before I knew it, the summer was over. While I love the fall and I’m glad it’s here, it seems like everything is happening so fast. I just get used to writing which month it is and then it’s on to the next. I don’t know how long I’m going to be working here, but it seems like it will be forever. 10 year down the road, I’ll be looking out the window on a windy September afternoon wondering how Hayley is enjoying her 5th grade class, with her recess and reading time. I’ve been in the mindset that I’m quitting this job since I got pregnant, which was almost 2 years ago now. There’s always something, some reason why I can’t, so it seems like this cycle will likely just continue. I’m almost resigned to it, but then I start making plans for what I’ll do with my time when I’m at home all day. I’m going to join a gym! I’m going to do projects with Hayley! I’m going to get the housework done that currently just goes without! There is a lot I want to do, and most of it involves exclamation points, but really it’s a pipe dream that I keep giving deadlines and watching them pass and then setting new deadlines and thinking that this time will be different. Maybe this time will be different, or maybe next year I’ll still be trying to figure out how to balance my life. The mom with the employee with the wife and seeing that everyone gets the time they deserve.

This was going to be a post about autumn and how I love it, but I think today has turned me a bit melancholy, and also, I’d redirect, but it’s past my time to go home and while I love my desk, I’d rather not stay here if I don’t have to.