13 Spooky Months

Well Little One, since before you were born, your father has wanted you to go deer hunting with him. He has now had his wish. True, you didn't go out on the mountian (although you were asleep in the car when he went "scouting" so it's almost like you did) and sit in the cold, but you did wear your camo coveralls with an orange shirt and hang out in the grandparents trailer for 2 days, which is all anyone could ask of you.

Sometimes I'm amazed that your already 13 months and sometimes I can't believe you are only 13 months. You do seem to have this maturity about you. You are incredibly self-sufficent, so imagine my surprise when I give you spaghetti to feed yourself and you end up smashing it into your hair instead.

You are content to play on your own, but really want to play with others, already so social. But you also want what you want, when you want. There's no stopping you when you're determined to do/eat/play with something.

You talk up a storm, but only when you think no one is listening. In the car you are a fount of noises and sounds, but if I try to respond to you most of the time you'll clam right up. But you totally have the hang of uh-oh and woah and I swear you were saying "see" for horsies this weekend. You're almost to the point where you'll copy words from us, almost. Most times I can say "mama" at you until I'm blue in the face with no response but sometimes when I tell you "no" you respond "o" back at me.

You're such a stinker too. Always getting into things you're not suppose to (garbage cans, fire places, potted plants, etc) and you know what you shouldn't touch, because those are the things you want the most. But we try to keep you relatively safe, as long as it doesn't involve much effort. Distraction only works for you if we can provide you with something you really want, and you rarely want your toys more than you want something I just threw away.

For Halloween you're going to be the cutest little Dalmation. I'm trying to determine how to let you celebrate, should I drag you to the neighbors homes for candy that you know I'm going to eat for you (to make sure it's safe!) or just be at home all dressed up with nowhere to go? I'm going to start putting you into your costume everyday until Halloween. I paid over $10 for that thing, there's no way you're only going to wear it once.

But all in all, there's nothing else I would rather be doing than being your mom.

Love ya Boo!

PS I totally had this done over a week ago, but I'm too lazy to upload photos

Figured it Out

When Morrissey was here, he sang a song called "Sister, I'm a Poet" and one of the lyrics is "Turning, turning, turning the knife/On everything except her own life." Thinking about this song a bit and trying to really get a feel for the new Tori Amos album 'American Doll Posse' has finally clicked. Tori is now "Tori" and she's not a real person! Hello! No wonder! I was trying to think of a song from the new album that has the same introspective and personal lyrics that are evident in the whole 'Little Earthquakes' album and even showing up in 'Scarlet's Walk' in songs like "Your Cloud" But now, now we have a Persona Tori thing that is writing songs, songs that have nothing to do with the "personal" but more to do with the political. It's all through a filter of fiction, which means the songs aren't even close to being personal. The last album was really the start of this, with the only personal song being a song for her daughter, but nothing really for "Tori"

The whole thing smacks of illusion. This"Tori" person that we thought we loved, doesn't exists anymore, but instead the "Tori" is really want she thinks we want. We got all the slow melodies from the last album, so now it's time for the warrior woman. Unfortunately she's been warring with the same old song since 1992. Can you imagine that she's taken a b-side "Sweet Dreams" a song that she didn't even feel was good enough to make the album originally and she's turned that song into 25 and put them on an album?

There are moments on this album that I love. They seem to be the glimpses back into when "Tori" was Tori and could access her emotions during the music. During "Dragon" before the sickly sweet chorus, it almost hearkens back to 'Pele' and there are some times things rock like "Body and Soul" before she draws out the word "conversion" into 18 syllables and "Bouncing off Clouds" if you ignore all the oddly phrased lines.

While I'm excited to see her in Boise with Niki in December, I'm more excited for the live aspect of music that I love, rather then hearing the new songs. She can play a crowd very well and she always promises a show. She is a true performer and I think she really does love being on the stage, but I feel some of my fandom slipping away. Her kookiness is a bit too kooky for me now I guess. It's hard to relate to the music when it's so lacking in spirit.

Oh "Tori" could you please bring back the girl and her piano?

How Soon is Now?

Monday October 15th brought Morrissey to Utah once again. He performed at Thanksgiving Point at at very small venue called the Barn. Because, well it looks like a barn.

I was a bit worried, I didn't get ticket right when they came out because I didn't know if anyone would come with me and I didn't want to spend $60 to go and stand on my own and leave on my own and go home, etc, etc. But the lovely Erika said she wanted to go and eventually we bought tickets which were only row 9 which seemed very, very good. We drove down with our Taco Bell crispy twists and our excitement building. Going into the venue we both noticed that the seating looked very much like we were at a work conference, it was a very small venue and our row 9 tickets were almost the last row before the first and only tier level. We walked around the venue, which didn't take much time at all and looked at all the new Morrissey shirts. Too bad I'd already gotten a shirt last concert and could see spending more money, but I really could have gone for one of the red or green "Lads Club" shirts instead. Or the Je Sui Morrissey one, it's clever.

Anyway, Kristeen Whatsherface played her set and I want to like her, but really it's just so much feedback and noise that it's difficult. Someone yelled at her that all her songs sound the same. She started the keyboards for the next song and said "Really sir, you think this song sounds the same as the last one?" and then all the feedback started, and yes, it did sounds a lot like the last song since it's mostly just a wall of noise with her wailing in the background. She's just hard to appreciate live I guess.

After her set, I told Erika we really should join the crowd standing up front by the stage and so we pretended to get some cheesy nachos and picked a spot stage right just off the corner where the crowd didn't seem so big. After the old video montage I ended up standing behind a tall girl who was up against the railing and Erika was right behind me. He came out and I think this was the closest I've ever been to him. When we saw him at Salt Air the stage was a lot longer and so it was very rare for him to really be near us, but here he played up the sides of the stage and gave us a great show. Lot's of Smiths songs like 'Stretch Out and Wait' and 'Shoplifters' which are favorites of mine and also 2 songs from Vauxhall, which I feel is my first real Morrissey album, since it was the first release after I was introduced to Mozzer. 'Death of a Disco Dancer' and 'Jack the Ripper' were also some highlights. Erika was rewarded with 'Dear God, Please help me' which is one of her favs and 'First of the Gang' but he messed up the second verse on that because of being so interested in the crowd and the stage invaders. Morrissey was incredible chatty and said lots of amusing things. The thing that amused Erika and I was his comment about how Tony Blair was finally out of the UK and next year we would be done with the "munchkin" meaning Bush and people cheered. Erika commented that more than likely the people cheering had either voted for Bush or not voted at all, but we want Morrissey to like us. I find it interesting that people will seriously take political advise from pop stars and actors, since the only reason people is the fame factor, but that's another discussion.

He asked some kid if we were close to Ogden and the guy said yes. We all yelled no. I wish I had been given the mic to answer, I'm not a retard.

The girl in front of me was able to touch his hand twice when he proffered it to the crowd, but even with as tall as she was, she had to move around the barrier to do so, and I ended up being about 4-5 inches from being able to touch him, but oh well, I would have had to wash my hand again sometime.

After ward Erika and I, not learning anything from the last show, walked around the venue a bit. After meeting some guy from Phoenix we decided the best view of an exiting Morrissey would come from the other side of the venue. When we got there we were so shocked to see a huge crowd. Boz was there signing things and talking to blokes on people's cell phones. He was really funny and sounded just like Ricky Gervais from The Office. We got to keep the Sharpie that he was signing things with and he jumped on the band's tour bus. Then Morrissey come out, we cheered and he waved. Surrounded by security guards he jumped onto his own bus and it quickly drove away and we could see just a bit of him as the bus drove past, which was way better than the last time. We left feeling all giddy and extremely happy. We got some ice cream from Scone Cutters and sat in my car in the driveway and talked about music and artists and ti was really fun.

I love that I was able to introduce someone to Morrissey and they really came to love him and his music. It's interesting for Erika because she likes Morrissey more then the Smiths and was introduced to all of the songs at the same time, so she really has lots of love for the new album and songs, unlike the rest of us who have old favorites that he'll probably never play again. It was also odd to think that even though he wrote the lyrics to the Smiths songs and Johnny Marr wrote the music, they are really his. There's no way Johnny would be able to get away with playing these songs in concert, being in another singer (or singing them himself, which I think he has done once or twice) and they get the same kind of reaction. Morrissey made the Smiths. There can't be any argument that Marr is a great guitarist, but Morrissey owns it. He's the life blood of every Smiths song. I'm really glad that he's started playing these songs because they are such classics and everyone loves them so much.

All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Falling Apart

Does it mean that I have cancer if my lips have been tingly for days? I put on lip balm, but it's no use, for some reason it feels like a little tiny fire has been lit on the left side of my mouth. It's not really painful, just slightly distracting and disconcerting.
Also, I coloured my hair, and in retaliation, it's all falling out. It could be that now that the hair itself is darker I notice it more, but I think it's much more sinister than that. Every time I turn around there's anther hair, clinging to my arm or shirt and let's not even discuss what my brush looks like after I comb my hair after the shower. It's crazy! I'm hoping that wigs these days are better than they were in the Dynasty era. At least if people figure out I'm wearing a wig (like it falls off during a trip to the grocery store into the pile of oranges) that I have cancer and my hair feel out due to the chemo. Maybe I should do some chemo just in case I do have cancer. Maybe it'll be kind of like getting a flu shot. A little anti-cancer vaccine? Probably not.

Anyway. So I've come to terms with this post-baby body. I will never look like Heidi Klum or Jessica Alba, so why try? I've finally decided to buy some clothes that actually fit me, because after a year of working out and trying to lose some of this baby phat, I'm resigned to the fact that this jiggle isn't going anywhere, so rather than look at my closet full of clothes that no longer fit, I'm just going to go buy clothes that actually do fit. I say this with resolve now, but I'm sure once I get under those fluorescent lights in the dressing room, I'll bawl my eyes out and refuse to buy any of the "fat lady" clothes. I'm just so tired of trying to find a wardrobe that 's cute out of old t-shirts and stretch pants (oh the shame!) since I don't even own a pair of jeans that fit me anymore (except the maternity jeans, oh good ol' pregnant clothes!) so rather than lament the lost of my waist, I will accept that my genes are not thin genes and won't get me into any thin jeans in the near future. This is not accepting defeat as much as it accepting the present. I'm not going to stop exercising or trying my best to not eat every pie in this zip code and the next, but if a year can't turn me around, then I need to accept that things haven't worked out as well as I had hoped and realize that winter will be a cold dark time to not have any pants, so I will go shopping, and while i doubt I will find any enjoyment this time, I may find something a little more flattering then the baggy shirts and the lack of pants I currently experience.

To The Unwashed Masses

I just read Stephen Fry's lengthy blessay (blog essay http://www.stephenfry.com/blog/?p=19) and while he's incredibly honest and funny about the whole thing it really does bring home that fan girls, like myself, are blips on the radar. They are one-dimensional. They are boorish. While they help pay the bills, they are also a necessary nuisance.

I wanted to blog something amusing today. I wanted to bring some lightness to my blog, but for some reason the only things I seem to post things that I don't know where else to put.

But after reading this, it breaks my heart a little. Yeah I know me and Tori Amos or never going to be BFFs, but it's a lovely innocent dream to think that having a deep conversation over a cuppa tea or a good curry. Must it be so ridiculous that I should stop investing my day dreaming into it?

Although, it's been interesting to discover Stephen's (Mr. Fry's) blog, because I can hear his voice while I read it and I love the quintessentially British feel of his writing and the humor infused in it.
So I'm going to keep reading his blog and we'll see what happens to those little day dreams about curry with the famous. Perhaps I'll try and let that die, along with the fan-girl part of my soul.

Deadlines

(Although I want the Matt Nathanson post to stay at the top forever, life must go on)

For those of you who know me, you know that I've been desperate to get out of this work situation so that I have more time to sit around and watch soap operas and eat bon-bons, I just wanted to commemorate the last of the deadlines having past and once again being no closer to the bon-bon goal. Yesterday was the last. I no longer have any set dates to finish my employment. I can now be here forever! Hurrah!

I know that I should be patient and all that, but I feel like I've been patient enough the last 10 months Husband should have been working on this employment thing, but he let his temporary job rule his life and it didn't leave time for things like job-hunting or sleeping, so I try not to begrudge him the fact that nothing has happened, but I'm ticked off! I've been working this job that I do no enjoy because we need some health care in case one of us gets sick or we fell down a well or something and to pay the bills, but now it's the only thing supporting us and I feel a bit taken advantage of. I work hard all day (not blogging, as you can see from my track record) and then I get to go home and sometimes I get to relax but sometimes Husband has had a hard day of trying to keep up with the little girl and can't manage some dinner, and I understand that not everyday is going to be walking into a spotless home. I don't help much, but I feel like I'm justified in the level of housework I do most of the time, but I would like a little organization or some clearing of the general mess that lives in our house.
It's true that husband has only been jobless for about 2 weeks and that's a very short amount of time to have really devoted to the job search, but seeing my last deadline pass without having another to follow in it's place has left me a little defeated.

So I'll sit at work and eat my carrots and celery and watch the clock like a hawk and see the minutes of my life given to something that I care very little for while I miss my little girl and the opportunity to really clean my house (that's weird isn't it? I blame it on how much my job sucks.)